zx3: robot, transhumanist, occasional writer, angry stompy-boots progressive, gamer, infrequent blogger and compulsive tweetist seeks internet for same. no smokers. must provide own foglet lattice.
As you are no doubt aware Georgia has adopted some new gun legislation allowing idiots to openly wield a firearm in church, the post office, bars, movie theaters, the library etc., but not the Statehouse
Basically, any of the places where people are prone to get excited or well go postal except for the lawmakers’ own place of employment. If you live in Georgia rest assured you’ll never need to back down again when wrestling another reader for the last copy of “Wind in the Willows”. “What’s that you’re out of the Elvis Forever stamps?”
How about now. The Second Amendment protects our right to own guns specifically so that we can defend our country from invading armies or from our own federal government should a king end up taking over things, and trying to make things more royal around here.
The Second Amendment is not there to protect our right to intimidate the teenage cashier at “Chipotle”.
I feel like we as a country, present company included, are little unclear these days about the first 10 amendments.
If it’s all right with you. I’m going to run us through a brief bill of rights refresher course.
The First Amendment for example guarantees freedom of speech, but freedom of speech does not mean freedom from criticism.
That confusion is just one of the many things that Fox News and Donald Sterling have in common.
Just because the government can’t punish you for saying something stupid doesn’t mean the rest of us can’t. And we will. We as a country enjoy punishing people for saying stupid things, that, fireworks, and the missionary position are basically the three most Americans things I can think of.
The First Amendment also ensures us the freedom of religion and for anybody out there claiming that America was in any way founded as a Christian nation. Just stop it, that’s nonsense. Just look at the bill of rights itself. It’s a meticulously worded and signed legal contract—if anything this is proof that America was founded as a Jewish country.
Come on. I’m a firm believer in the Second Amendment, in fact I consider myself to be a second amendment originalist. That means, I believe every man or woman has the right to bear arms, but only the same arms that our country’s forefathers bore in the 18th century, muskets. I’m talking black powder, muzzle-loaded, smoothboard guns fashioned with a bayonet. And then only as a last resort.
If you have a beef with me, I’m going to expect you to try and resolve it using a reasonable discourse, using your words and civility. Now if our tempers are flared past the point of civil discourse then I expect you to challenge me in an honorable contest of fisticuffs like a grown adult.
But to remove oneself to the safe range of a firearm to settle a dispute in America is nothing short of cowardly. At the ease of automatic firing capability, and I will declare you nothing short of lily-livered.
For shame, it’s hard for a man to shoot you when you’re shaking his hand. Now a bunch of nincompoops in Texas thought it would be a good idea to bring shotguns into a Chili’s to prove some sort of point, but all it did was remind everybody how fucked up it is that you’re allowed to bring shotguns into a family restaurant. Chili’s responded by banning guns because, by God, if you’re going to shit your pants in a Chili’s it’s going to be because of the food.
By God, the Third Amendment says that soldiers aren’t allowed to come and sleep in your house if you don’t want them to. This is a good amendment. I don’t feel like there’s a lot of confusion about this one. However reasonable, this is the only amendment that could easily be swapped into the terms of service of “AirBnB” however.
The Fourth Amendment we seemed to have forgotten about altogether. Did someone at the N.S.A. actually spill barbecue sauce on this one, because it doesn’t say some unreasonable search and seizure. When the closest analogue to our government’s behavior is Billy Baldwin in the movie “Sliver” something has gone terribly wrong.
The Fifth Amendment is mostly for people to invoke during the second half of “Law and Order”. Basically five through seven are just things for people to yell during jury shows or lawyer shows.
For example the Sixth Amendment sets up the founding principles of jury duty, though at this point I think if most people had to choose between jury duty and letting a soldier crash on your couch, we would choose the latter.
The Eighth Amendment protects us from cruel and unusual punishment, which apparently does not include strapping a citizen to a table and murdering them. I guess that’s some sort of judgment call. The rest of the civilized world has stopped practicing capital punishment. Meanwhile officials in Oklahoma are now making lethal injections the way I make a barbecue. We don’t have sodium thiopental. Screw it, just throw some cumin in there and some crushed rock salt, that ‘oughta do the trick.
The Ninth and Tenth Amendments are really just there to make sure people don’t get cute with all the other ones. It’s like in movies when somebody looks in the rule book and says, “Well there’s nothing in here that’s says a chimp can’t play baseball”. Well, those two amendments are there to make sure that a chimp doesn’t get to play baseball just because no one thought to explicitly forbid chimps from playing baseball.
So let’s try a little harder from here on out shall we? You can’t just pretend that the constitution says whatever you want it to say.
That’s what the Bible, expiration dates, and speed limit signs are for.
Thank you very much for having me.
I appreciate it.
Nick Offerman, Congressional Radio and TV Correspondents Dinner.
Because I hate Upworthy.(via fancycwabs)